Constructive Criciticism…what does it look like?

Posted by Timothy

December 26, 2008

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So I have been thinking about how to phrase the discussion with this guy from our men’s group. I want to be succinct about our concerns, after I have spoken with one other person. The first sign that he’s not vested is that…we are spinning our wheels on how to discuss the truth…and about how his behavior has negatively impacted us. It’s because we’ve seen how he reacts and cannot take comments or correction. It made me think of these verses:

If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.

If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding

(Proverbs 15:31-32)

Here are the thoughts:

He just gives advice from on high, not through personal revelation

I’m not sure this is a sin, but when everyone else in the group is sharing from their experience, their brokenness, or their triumphs, and someone sits there and says, “No, what you should do is this, or the reason why you do such is that” — it feels like, as one person in the group said, we’re showing up and Joe gets to be psychologist for two hours. I’m not sure what the Biblical principle is, but as we felt, it was easier to share and easier to be real when Joe isn’t there. That must tell us something.

It feels as if he doesn’t really commit to the group

I have wrestled with the factd that, although I’ve probably known him the longest, he’s the only person who did not support my missions trip. It didn’t have to be elaborate…it’s clear that what’s in the heart is what God sees. Thing is, I expected him to say no. And he didn’t even have the courtesy to respond. I had to follow up with him to get him to speak the truth. Where is the sacrifice for your brother in that?

Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won’t be faithful in large ones. If you cheat even a little, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

Luke 16:10

He has not shown up at all to any of the outside activities. In fact, when new guys showed up and they asked if we ever hang out, he said no. Both me and Tom looked at each other: was this guy going to the same small group as us?

In fact, he wasn’t: his world was not one where you spend time outside of small group with the other members. It simply hasn’t happened.

Is it his schedule as he said? Not sure I can believe it entirely: if some of the more popular folks in his church have a huge event, he’s able to make it.

In fact, he turned down one of the guys in our group to have lunch, one who has said that he’s frustrated with the fact no one seems to want to go out to lunch with him, to have lunch with other people.

Why is this so hard to tell him these things? Because we know already that he’s not vested in the group: it’s more important to named the ‘leader’ than to actually lead and pour into the group.

So how do I tell him these things?

Yes, but it’s hard. It’s been on my heart for a while, probably several months, as I’ve watched and observed to find anything to say none of this is true.

Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.

For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to right teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever they want to hear.

(2 Timothy 4:2-3)